You're Beautiful - Teto

“Teto! You've gained a total of 8.2 kg! This puts you at 53.3 kg. That means you are now a whole 10 kg more than me! Your younger than me, you should weigh less than me. It's disgusting.” My mother lectured. I stared at the ground until she stomped out of the room. Am I really that fat?

I quickly entered my room and stripped down to just my undergarments. I stepped in front of my full body-sized mirror. I pinched my stomach easily pulling an inch of skin or fat. I am fat. I pulled my pigtails free so my curly hair rested around my shoulders. I thought about the small meal I just ate and felt sick.

I ran into my personal bathroom and fell to my knees in front of the western toilet. I'm going to puke . . . My thoughts came true only a moment later.

By the time school began the next day I hadn't eaten since I threw up yesterday. I got ready for school like usual and ran to school like usual. All the while there was a dull ache in my stomach that I ignored. I changed my shoes then ran into my friends. Momo, Uta, Ruko, and Ritsu stood by my locker. They all grinned when they saw me.

“Teto!” Ritsu called. I stopped in front of them and smirked at Ritsu.

“I thought you were going to actually where the male uniform.” I teased. Namine Ritsu, my male friend who loves to cross dress.

“Yeah right.” He scoffed.

“Oh, this morning I had the best pancakes ever! It's a western delicacy. Ever since that foreign exchange student came to live with us we've gotten all kinds of great American food.” Ruko said rubbing her stomach.

“Oh. That's cool.” I said.

“Yeah, well we better get to class.”

One week. That's how long I've gone with eating only a meal a day.

“Teto, are you going to eat dinner today?” Mother asked. I thought for a moment and shake head. “Good, maybe you can some weight.” She said under her breath.

Lose some weight . . . I ran into my bedroom slammed the door and stripped down to my undergarments once again. I freed my hair then pulled the scale from the bathroom to the mirror. I pinched my stomach pulling off some fat. I stepped onto the scale but didn't look at the number yet. I noticed that I could see my ribs and felt satisfied.

Finally I look down. 52.2 kg. “Only one Kilo!” I shout angrily. I glanced back at the reflection and punch the mirror. I hit it again and again until there was two long cracks in the surface. Why am I so fat? I pulled the glass free from in between the cracks. The shard slipped free of my hand cutting my palm. The pain felt no different than the pain in my heart.

“Your really not hungry?” Momo asked. I nodded.

“Yeah, I had a really big breakfast” I lied.

“C'mon at least just have half of my sandwich.” Ritsu said encouragingly. I shook my head.

“But you haven't ate anything all week and half of last.” Uta says angrily.

“ Yeah, that's bad for you and-” Ruko began.

“I said I'm not hungry! Can you guys just leave me alone!” I shout. I stand up and stomp out of the silent classroom. I stormed outside and sat alone hidden by the trees. Why did they always have to push me? Can't they see I'm fat! I can't eat food, they shouldn't give a fat person food! I let out a growl then noticed an older woman jogging.

“Exercise.” I exhale. I stand up and begin to run home. When I get home luckily both my parents are gone at work. I change into some running clothing and get ready for a long day.

“Teto.” My mother says from behind me. I turn around putting a hand on my waist. My fat waist . . .

“What?” I snap.

“Your teacher called and said you left school at lunch two days ago.”

“Yeah, I didn't feel good. I had a really bad head ache and the nurse was gone.” I lied.

“Oh, I see . . . How about we take you to your brother's clinic to get a check up. If you had a head ache . . .”

“No! I'm fine now. Who cares. Now I'm going for a run.” I said putting my hair in a messy bun. I begin to walk away but she grabbed my wrist. She stared down at my wrist then looked back up at me.

“Your wrist . . . it's smaller. Have you been losing weight?” She asked. I shrugged. She pulled me into my room and I felt to weak to fight her. She stared into my room confused. The scale still sat in front of my broken mirror. On the floor still lay the bloody shard.

“What happened?” She demanded to know.

“I accidentally bumped into the mirror the other day.”

“Right . . .” She pulled my wrist forcing me onto the scale. 44.2 Kg. Still so much! “Teto! You've lost 8 Kg. In about 3 weeks!”

“Yeah, I know. Not that much. I should lose more.” I admitted.

“No! It's fine. I'm sorry sweetie, I shouldn't of called you fat. Your not fat, alright! I've just been having such a hard time at work that I took it out on you.” My eyes met her's and I noticed she had tears in her eyes. Has she always been a good actor?

“You don't need to lie mom. I know, I'm fat. Now, I'm going for a run.” I groan. I push past her but once again she grabbed my wrist.

“No! Stay home, please? Eat some dinner. I'll cook your favorite meal, so just stay alright?” She begged. I shook my head and shoved my feet into my running shoes.

“I'm not hungry.” I slammed the door behind me and sat down on the front step. I tied my shoes and when I stood the world swayed a bit. I shake it away along with the growl in my stomach. This is just for the greater good.

The next day my mother forced me to eat a piece of bread. It was the first solid I'd had in 3 days and it made me feel sick. How could I eat something like that? As soon as she left for work I ran into my bathroom to throw it up. This is for the greater good.

Fallowing my daily routine I stripped down to my undergarments and stood in front of the mirror. I grabbed my stomach and shook my head. When did I get so big? Shouldn't I be losing weight, why do I just look bigger? I put on my uniform. “I'm so fat and ugly.” I groan.

I was late to school and rushed into PE “Teto, your late! Get on the track. It's a fitness day. Run.” The teacher commanded. I jogged out onto the field and was quickly joined by Ritsu.

“Hey, you okay? You don't look to good.” He pointed out. He was slightly panting and I giggled noticing he was wearing the male PE uniform but was still wearing his wig.

“Your a boy today.”

“Yeah, coach forced me into this”

“You look fine.”

“Well you don't.” I glared at him.

“I'm fine, alright!” I said too loudly. Ritsu stopped running and grabbed my wrist forcing me to stop.

“Are- are you anorexic? You look sick and you haven't been eating. Uta said she heard you puking in the girl's bathroom a few days ago. I'm really worried about you.” His eyebrows furrowed and for once he looked more like a male than ever. I yanked my hand free and held it against me.

“I'm fine! Get out of my life. You can't control me. I'm- I'm not anorexic, okay. I'm just some stupid fat person!” I shout angrily. People was staring at us and slowed as they passed us. We both stood there in silence for a moment then I turned to begin running.

“Your not fat, you-” He cut off as my vision went back and I felt my weight drop. “Teto!”

I opened my eyes to the nurse's rooms walls. I looked over to see Ritsu's worried face. I quickly turned my head away. “Go away.” I commanded. I saw Ritsu flinch in surprise. He stood up putting a hand on the cot angrily.

“No. Teto- when I . . . when I caught you I picked you up. You weigh less than my 12 year old sister.”

“It's probably all in your head.” Silence. “What happened?” I asked sheepishly.

“You passed out, the nurse said your probably anemic.” His voice dropped down a tone. “A sign of anorexia . . .” My eyes widened and once again I turned away from him.

“Alright, now leave!” I shout.

“Teto!” My head snaps back towards Ritsu and I cringe at the figure I see in the doorway.

“Mom.” I whimper. Fallowing her is my dad, both looking worried and disgusted.

“Honey, I know you've been starving yourself. But that's really bad for you! It may be a quick weight loss technique but it has consequences. I'm so sorry I called you fat, I-”

“I am fat!” Mother stopped talking and all three people stared at me with wide eyes. When my gaze fell onto Ritsu he bit his lip then stood up. For a moment I thought he was going to leave until he came around the bed and grabbed me. He grabbed my hand pulling me out of bed. I tried to fight back but I couldn't seem to find the energy for it.

Just like my mother had before he forced me onto the scale. 43.8 kg. I refused to look him in the eye but he put a hand on both of my shoulders and forced me too. “Your not fat.  Look at that number!”

“I am fat, weight is only a number.” Ritsu moved as my father approached us.

“Teto, your coming home right now. Thank you Ritsu for looking after our daughter. I think we'll keep her at home for the next week, you and your friends are free to visit whenever.” Dad said. He scooped me into his arms like he did when I was a little girl.

Six days into my confinement I got a visitor. I was standing in front of the mirror in my undergarments once again. While I used to see some ribs then inches of it's gotten worst.

Everyday my parents make me three meals. Two of those meals I forced out of me. And then the last and smallest I let myself digest. It did make my body feel better but it made my heart feel disgusting.

“Go away.” I whispered weakly to my reflection. Then at that moment they walked in. It was my best friends, Uta, Ruko, Momo, and Ritsu. I stared at them and they stared at me. Momo and Ruko had tears in their eyes.

“Your body.” Momo whimpered. I fought the urge to say something about my size but for some reason they see it differently than I do. Momo and Ruko practically glomped me.

“Yeah, um could you let me go so I can put some clothes on?” I asked. Momo and Ruko stepped back and over her shoulder Ritsu and my eyes met for a moment. He smiled slightly and I pulled on my dress.

“Are you sure your getting better? You don't look all that better. Are you gaining weight?” Ruko asked.

“Yeah, maybe. Sorry, I know you came all the way here to visit me but I don't feel good. Could you, um, leave?” They all looked disappointed but Ritsu. He stared right at me and I had a feeling he wasn't buying the act.

“Alright, get better soon! We miss you at school.” Momo said hugging me.

“We're here for you.” Uta whispered in my ear.

“We're your friends, okay! Come back to school already, it's boring without you.” Ruko said punching my arm. I winced and her eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. “Oh! Sorry, I'm so sorry.”

“It's okay . . .” Momo, Uta and Ruko stepped out into the hallway.

“You guys go home without me.” Ritsu said. They nodded and closed the door.

“Teto, how much do you weigh?” He asked. It wasn't until right then that I noticed he was a boy. He wore baggy jeans that can pass as a girl's pair and a loose red T-shirt. His hear is shaggy hugging his ears and a dark red.

“This is only like the second time I've seen you without your wig.” I point out running my hand through his hair. He gave me a funny look and grabbed my hand that was in his hair.

“Yeah, now stop changing the topic.” I look at my bare feet and shrug.

“I haven't weighed myself.” I admitted. He lead me to the scale and I stepped onto it. 42.6 kg. First I felt happy at the weight loss but then a strange twinge of guilt ran through me.

“Teto.” Ritsu groaned. I stepped off the scale and wrapped my arms around my torso. “Teto.” I glanced at him and he turned me towards him.

“Close your eyes, alright?” I nodded closing my eyes. I felt his hands cover my eyes as I was turned to face the mirror. “Alright, now think of everything you've done to yourself in the past month. The things you did to your body. Your beautiful no matter what size you are. Now open your eyes. Really open your eyes.” His hands lifted and I opened my eyes.

I saw my eyes go wide as I looked at my reflection. Now that small twinge of guilt I felt overwhelmed me choking me from inside. I traced my finger on the mirror. As I did that I saw how thin and bony my wrist has become. Tears sprung to my eyes. How could I be so blind and stupid? I'm not fat. I've just destroyed my body starving myself.

“I'm so stupid.” I sob. Ritsu caught me before I could drop to the floor. He lowered us down so we were sitting on the floor. I threw my arms around him holding him tight. I realized then how he really isn't a girl. He's got broader shoulder's than me and pretty soon he won't be able to pass as a girl.

“It's okay, you'll get better.” He said comforting me.

“Hey Ritsu?” I wiped tears off of my face and sat back so I could look him in the eye.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. And also . . .”

“What?” He asked smiling softly.

“You want to get something to eat, like something really fatty?” I ask. He gave me a funny look and we both began to laugh.

“Of course.”